When Pigs Fly

Dan pulled the last package of bacon from the fridge to make a large hearty breakfast for the family. “I guess it’s time to take Big Boy to the abattoir,” he said as he laid several slices of the meat on the griddle.

“No! I love BB!” Janice, his ten year old daughter, protested. She ran out of the house to the pig pen and threw her chubby arms around the pig's neck as tears streamed down her young face.

“Make sure the bacon doesn’t burn,” Dan said to his wife, Diane, then followed Janice.

“I saw a spider web…up in the corner of the barn...it said BB is a special pig!” she said between sobs.

Dan frowned. “I thought we got that damned spider book banned. It has caused us pig farmers more hassle than anything else. BB is special and he is going to be delicious. Now go get ready for school.”

Janice whispered into the pig's ear as she gave it another hug then glared at Dan before stomping across the yard and into the house.

The pig looked up at him with his big brown eyes and oinked at him several times. “What? We don’t have pet pigs! You are livestock and were bought to be butchered. You did your job of growing plump, now I need to do mine,” Dan explained. He scratched the pig’s head behind the ears then gently said, “It isn’t anything personal, Big Boy. It’s farm life.”

Dan went back inside to finish making breakfast and eat. After Janice was safely ensconced on the school bus, he went back out to the barn to get the large crate ready for BB’s journey then loaded the pig into it. The butcher was coming later that afternoon to pick BB up and take him to the abattoir. When he was done, Dan went inside for lunch.

“What's all that?” Diane asked as she paused from making chicken salad from last night’s leftovers. She pointed out the kitchen window with the knife she’d been using. Dan jumped up and looked out the window, following the direction of the knife.

At least one hundred large helium balloons floated up past the barn and into the sky. They were soon followed by the pig crate.

“Goddammit, Janice! That girl needs to stop reading and watching movies!” Dan hollered then grabbed his shotgun. He ran outside and started shooting at the balloons. He didn't have enough ammo to make a dent in their number and his anger caused him to miss most of them.

Janice was standing in the yard as she watched the pig crate move across the sky. There was a smug smile on her face. “I told you—he’s too special to become bacon.”

“I hope you’re happy. Now he’s too far away to do either of us any good. I’ll call the sheriff’s office and tell them to be on the lookout for him,” Dan replied then went inside to eat his lunch and tell the butcher the pig no longer needed to be picked up.

The pig flew on the north easterly winds for more than an hour. The balloons slowly deflated and BB landed with a thud, the crate fell apart and revealed a dazed and confused pig. He had miraculously handed on the front lawn of the abattoir.

The butcher called Dan. “I wasn’t expecting an air delivery today, but I’m pretty sure your pig just landed in my front yard. Do you want me to bring him home? Or do you still want me to cut him up?”

“Darn tootin’ I want him cut up. See if you can manage a rack of ribs and a couple of roasts too.”

“Will do. Your meat will be ready in about a week.”

Dan hung up the phone and laughed. He turned to his wife and said, “I guess when pigs fly, amazing things really can happen.”

Prompts: abattoir, fly, hearty, and house

Ned the Alien?

Nora could not convince them that Ned was an alien.

He looked too normal. Ned’s skin was very pale white and he had blue eyes. His head was bald. He was average height and rotund with a beer belly. The clothes he wore were Dad chic.

Ned spoke perfect English, though he had an odd accent no one could place.

Nora had no choice. She grabbed a mirror and held it up to Ned. In the reflection was a monstrous alien. Ned roared angrily.

Everyone believed her now, but it was too late. Ned was already eating everyone in sight.

Bones

“Follow the bones, they always know.” Her guide laughed at his own joke as he carefully made his way along the dry desert ridge. It was dotted with white flags marking each bone found. They hung limply without a hint of wind to move them or provide any relief. “It’d be nice if they led to shade.”

There wasn’t a tree or rocky cropping for as far as she could see to provide any relief. She was thankful that her visit to this barren landscape was going to be short. She wrote notes about the flags, then went back to watching him work.

Despite the heat, the dinosaur hunter was wearing jeans, cowboy boots, and a long-sleeve shirt. On top of his balding head was a well-worn cowboy hat. She supposed it made sense as it was dirty, potentially dangerous work. His clothes would protect from thorny bushes, sharp rocks, and the bright midday sun. She wished she’d dressed as smartly and hadn’t insisted that safari-wear would be perfect.

He handed her a flask. “Drink some water. You’ll never get your ‘For Dummies’ book written if you die out here and join the dinos.”

He pointed to a pile of white objects. “Well, I’ll be damned!”

“What?”

“Don’t you see it? There’s a handful of T-rex teeth.”

“Is that good?”

“Are you kidding? This could be the find of a lifetime.” He handed her a knife and brush. “Make yourself useful.”

And that’s how she became a bone-fied dinosaur hunter.

The Alien Who Cried Earthling

“Pods ... we must get into the pods ... must save ourselves in the pods!” young Ceoxilli cried as he ran into the throne room.

“What are you going on about?” King Iippi demanded.

“They’re … they … they’re here!”

“Who’s here?!”

“The Earthlings!”

“That’s what you said last week and the week before. Go to your room and don’t keep telling me these fanciful tales.”

“But they are here! I saw them … for real! I’m not lying.” Ceoxilli looked out the window, hoping one would pass by so he could prove that he was telling the truth.

“No one has time for your imaginations. Now go!”

Ceoxilli growled then ran to the safe room in the basement and locked himself in. He turned the news on his phone and waited for the attack. Hours passed and still no attack. He knew he’d seen Earthlings and was sure they would be up to no good.

He found the food supply and anxiously started eating as the battery on his phone slowly slipped away. He fell into a carbohydrate coma. His dreams were full of Earthlings going through his things and putting them into bags to take back to Earth and show everyone.

Ceoxilli was mortified when they found his underwear and laughed at the animals and galaxies. “These are adorable,” one said. “The little girl who wears these must be so cute … for an alien anyway.” In his dream, Ceoxilli was infuriated. He was a teenage boy. Not a little girl!

He jumped out from his hiding spot and attacked them with his pocket knife. They laughed at him and held him at arm’s length as he tried to slash them. “This is a feisty one. I bet the Galactic Zoo would love a specimen.”

The Earthlings put him in a sack then cut some air holes into the bag. They tossed him on the pile with the other bags. Ceoxilli was livid now. First they called him a girl, then they were going to put him in a zoo? Not if he could do anything about it.

His skin started to get red hot and he could smell the fabric starting to burn, releasing smoke into the room. The Earthlings started to cough, choking on the polluted air. He laughed as the bag burst into flame and he slipped out unscathed.

“Go, go, go!” one of the Earthlings cried out! Ceoxilli chased them down the hall and out of the castle. He was jumping up and down. He’d saved his family and his dignity.
 

“Ceoxilli, let us in!” King Iippi called out through the door. “We have been searching for you all over!”

The teen’s eyes flickered open and he panicked when he realized he wasn’t in his room then remembered he was in the safe room. He stumbled to the door and threw it open, relieved to hear his father’s voice again.

“Sucker!” the Earthlings yelled, then laughed as Ceoxilli tried to jump away and slam the door shut but it was too late, they had already grabbed him and there was no escape. He wished he could get red hot like in his dreams, but that wasn’t possible. “Put him in the bag with the rest of them. The Galactic Zoo will pay good money for a young specimen.”

They were tossed into the decontamination room with the other aliens that had been rounded up then the ship took off for the Earthling base on Mars. Ceoxilli glared at his father, who replied with a shrug, “Liars are not believed—even when they speak the truth.”

Soulful Amusement

James barely made it to the bathroom and got his sweatpants down before his gastritis caused the contents of his bowels to explode into the toilet. “Good lord,” he said when he finished.

James wiped the sweat from his forehead before it got to his green eyes. His attention deficit disorder hijacked his thoughts and he was reminded of a TV show he’d seen several years ago. One of the characters was faking their death and was forced to soil himself to convince people he was dead. It was gross but also really funny.

He laughed as he thought to himself, “When I die, it is going to be real unfriendly for anyone near me! Ghosts had better be real. I don’t wanna miss that!”

Several months later, he was late to a meeting and running to the elevator at work. There was a wet spot near the stairwell and his feet flew out from under him. He tried to remember what sensei had taught him about falling, but everything moved too fast and he landed with a thud.

James’ head slammed on the hard tile and he was knocked out. As he started to gain consciousness, he could hear people gasping at the sight of him. He realized there was blood pooling around his head and his long greasy brown hair was quickly matting as it soaked up the thick red fluid.

Heavy boots shook the floor as two EMTs rushed towards him with a stretcher. The pain in his head intensified and the scream was silenced by his inability to control his body.

“Can you hear me?” a distant voice asked. “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

James instructed his hand to squeeze the hand touching his but nothing happened. He tried several more times, more insistently with each attempt, but it was useless. His hand was not moving.

“We have to take you to the hospital and are going to lift you onto a stretcher,” a new voice said. “Don’t try to move. Ready, Dave? One, two, three… lift.”

The EMTs grunted as they lifted him. They lost their grip and his large body landed with a thud on the stretcher. A fresh chorus of gasps filled the hallway. “Be careful with James!” a voice scolded.

The two EMTs apologized then rolled him into the elevator and out to the waiting ambulance. “We’re putting you in the ambulance,” the first voice informed him. “Don’t try to move.”

James tried to speak but his mouth wouldn’t move. He tried to give a thumbs up but nothing happened. Several times there was darkness closing in around him and he struggled to stay away from the light that loomed in the distance.

The ambulance screeched to a stop. The rear of the rescue vehicle was slammed into by a large dump truck. James’ body lifted off the stretcher and slammed back down hard.

Much of his life flashed before him then everything went black except for the light that was now directly in front of him. He stepped closer to it and he could feel his soul rising from his body.

He looked down at his limp body and waited for it to go through the initial stages of death. “Here it comes,” he thought as he watched and waited. Suddenly there was a gurgling sound followed by a rush of liquid feces as his bowels emptied, filling the small enclosure with a putrid sweet smell.

“Oh damn!” the first EMT exclaimed as he tried to cover his nose and not hurl the contents of his stomach on James.

“Jesus! What did he eat?!” the other EMT asked, rolling down the windows to let in much needed fresh air.

James laughed heartily at the reaction of the two seasoned EMTs. It was so much better than he had imagined it would be. The Grim Reaper appeared next to him. “It is time to go,” he told James.

“One minute more, please?” James pleaded. As he finished speaking, a second rush of feces expelled itself from his body. It was too much for the EMTs and they both emptied the contents of their stomachs. The one leaning over James covered his dead body with vomit.

James laughed loudly as the Grim Reaper guided him away from the ambulance. “That was so good! Have you ever seen so much shit at one time?”

“I can’t say that I’ve ever noticed.”

“I bet you’d see so much nasty shit if you waited for them to soil themselves,” James said enthusiastically. “Oh man, I bet that would be so funny.”

James was still laughing to himself as they made their way down the path to hell. “Thanks, man. I really appreciate you letting me wait,” James said when they got to the entrance. “That was freaking fantastic! Totally worth it!”

The Grim Reaper rolled his eyes, then presented James to Satan’s fire imps to be processed and given the rules for life deep in the earth’s center.

A few minutes later, James passed through the checkpoint, still chuckling about the mess he caused, and made his way towards the cell where he was going to serve his eternal sentence in the pits of hell.

As the fire imp guard closed the cell door, James started laughing maniacally at the joke in his head.

“What’s so damn funny?” the soul in the cell next to him asked. His voice was gruff and he sounded grumpy.

“When I died, the EMTs got the shit end of the deal,” James replied then fell on the floor laughing. Eternity was going to be a helluva good time.